I immediately pictured that episode of Friends where Monica and Rachel fight over the last condom, and I have to say that picturing Rachel, Blaine, and Mercedes fidgeting awkwardly in the hall while Kurt, Finn, and Sam fight over a condom is like. The best thing I have ever pictured in mylife.
“You do realize that only one of us is going to come out the victor here?” Kurt says grimly.
“Don’t you think we’re being a little over-dramatic with all thi-“
“No way man,” Finn cuts over Sam. “This is serious business.”
All three boys fall silent, staring at the condom lying innocently in the middle of the bed.
The last condom in the box.
“Wait a second,” Sam realizes, “Don’t Finn and I kinda need it more?”
“Yeah,” Finn grease, “Because Kurt is - and Blaine can’t -“
He trails off awkwardly and shoots a dopily stupid face at Kurt, and that’s how it begins.
Kurt lunges towards the bed in his rage, but the force of his bounce sends the packet flying out of his reach where it smacks Finn straight in the chest. Before Finn can realize what’s just happened Sam is scrambling to the floor at his feet to grab it but Kurt’s elbow comes out of nowhere, knocking him to the side as Kurt grabs the condom. He raises it in the air with a triumphant smile, ready to let out a victory yell but Finn finally catches on.
“Fuck,” Kurt swears when his step-brother tackles him to the ground, effectively pinning him and wrenching the thing from his iron-grip. But before Finn can even get up Sam is heaving him off Kurt, hurling him into the dresser with a crash and taking advantage of Finn’s surprise to knock the condom out of his hand.
“Dude!” Finn protests, but Kurt is already on it, pulling one of Sam’s legs out from under him so that he practically faceplants onto the floor. Sam can barely manage a “Hey-” before Finn is on him again, twisting his arm in an attempt to loosen Sam’s grip.
But Finn lets out a yell as Kurt bites hard into his arm, falling onto his back in shock. With Finn out of the way, Kurt punches Sam in the jaw. Needing both hands to cradle the sore spot, Sam lets go of the condom but before Kurt can snatch it up Finn gets there first.
And then, just as Finn’s hot little hand grabs the packet, Kurt knees him in the balls.
Outside, Rachel, Mercedes, and Blaine jump a little at the long stream of oaths that emits through the vague sound of scuffling.
“Think we should intervene?” Rachel asks hesitantly.
“Not a chance in hell,” Mercedes says quickly.
Blaine just smiles.
“Ah-HAH!” Kurt says, backing quickly toward the door while his nemeses writhe in pain on the floor, “Fuck you guys!”
“No…” Sam says through his aching jaw, and Finn tries to get up but stumbles into the chair with a crash and tumbles back down to the floor. The victor of the war is obvious.
Kurt, hair disheveled, shirt torn half-way off, face flushed, with a twitch in his temple, opens the door, a crazed gleam in his eye.
“Blaine,” he says, voice low and dangerous, “My bedroom. Now.”
As the girls grumble in discontent Blaine’s face stretches into a comical version of triumph, swinging his arms into the air with a whoop before Kurt practically drags him down the hall and slams the door shut.
It’s a few minutes before Finn and Sam emerge, looking even more bedraggled than Kurt had. Rachel sighs in frustration.
“Goddammit, can someone just buy new condoms?” she huffs.
Mercedes just shakes her head at her boyfriend. “Really Sam? Really?”
The look Sam’s face is one of utter shame. “He’s wily, Mercedes.”
Down the hall, a rather wanton-sounding moan resonates from Kurt’s room.
i laughed so hard!
The Great European Ascot: Complete Do-It-Yourself Instructions for Americans
Great thing my mom got me at an estate sale, or greatest thing my mom got me at an estate sale?
“Here’s a great new way to tie one on - with the Carre European Ascot Scarf - a silky fashion accessory that ties and knots in diverse ways. The effect? An unlimited scope of sportswear accents, ranging from the classic elegance of the English ascot to the casual insouciance of the French knot. A gamut of individual fashion expressions, decided and defined by your own imagination and a deft flick of your fingers. In a word - elegant. Casual, yet correct. To be worn with a sport shirt, a Leisure Suit or a sport jacket. Masculine flair in pure luxury.”